Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Dude...That's Ace-ism

Random thoughts. My husband Ace says the wildest stuff. I've started calling them "Ace-isms" when he rattles off a "one liner" that makes so much simple sense it's almost scary. Here's a few. In random order, as random thoughts should be. Sometimes, I have to think about the word use and's even more funny. Here goes.

1. "Perhaps you've never heard of me?"
2. "Nobody should pinch dad's nipples! I can't afford the swelling!"
3. "In my fourteen years of marriage to you, I have learned one very important thing about myself...I am an @#$%*&@!!"
4. "Things you will never see...Nessy, Big Foot, Elvis...and Ace passing up lunch."
5. " I recently learned that tomatoes are made of ketchup."
6. "If they're laying on the hoods of cars...they're not ladies."
7. Proudly... "Son, why did you poop on the toy Ford car?" (Ace worked at a GM facility for years).
8. Or his ever famous Random Email, "Because I'm so busy today, I only have time for the punch lines on these last jokes.
.....Oh, I thought you said beer nuts!
....Chickens don't drive!
....Heck if I know, she's a midget!"
9. "Ben Franklin didn't laugh at his own jokes?...He must not have been very funny."
10. "Gum I swallowed in junior high came out!"
11. "When a goat walks through your yard, it's over."
12. "You treat cars like you treat women...just do whatever they say."
13. "Ladies, I'm not a piece of meat."
14. "In my humble, yet accurate opinion..."
15. "I could've used a baby wipe!"
16. " weight is no longer accurate."
17. "If German rocket scientists are so smart, how come they've never been to the moon?"
18. " I look thinner on TV."
19. "...then her colostomy bag broke...they scrapped that car."
20. "No, it's not candy son, it's a suppository."
21. "...but you're not in the Ukraine Ron."
22. " I can't act like a grown up for long."
23. "They're from Macadamia."
24. "You named your kid after a weather man?"
25. "It's not going to make that noise much longer."
26. "Did you notice it's up-side-down?"
27. "This is what you've come up with?!"
28. "He had a Tweety Bird tattoo the size of my hand."
29. "After that zipper thing in Kindergarten, I take my time in the bathroom."
30. "He had a forehead like a drive in theater."
31. "Hitler wanted to take over the world because they needed the parking?"
32. " Why do I have to be the dumb one?"
33." Just keep going left until I say right."
34. "It's only hard 'til it gets easy."
35. "It's a dry heat... so is flame."
36. "He threw up with an accent."
37. "Vomit is very warm."
38. "They're chimpanzee strong!"
39. "That feeling you're's called respect."
40. "Offering the chubby guy a cookie is profiling."
41. "I haven't had a hunger pain since 1982."
42. "That shouldn't be funny..."
43. "That yam scared the #@!! out of me."
44. "I'm not really a fighter either..."
45. "There's a joke in there somewhere."
46. "That's not for mixed company."
46. "It's only inappropriate if your mom hears."
47. It's not a secret, just don't tell anyone."
48. "I've never been this smart."
49. "There's nothing like sneezing."
50. " "Someone explain this to Jim."

That's all I have to say about that.


Goob said...

OMG...those are hilarious, I laughed outlide several times and thank heavens was not drinking anything. Those are equally as great as JP's answer to what was Iraq like? ---"It was a blast." and "I'm glad you found Jesus, now how about the gas pedal?"

Unknown said...

you should write a really!

Chef Tess said...

To every one of these "one liner" snips, there is a crazy story. We should write a book...or be in a sitcom based on our life! Ace the stunt driving guy and Chef Tess the zany cook. I'm ready for that! I live it every day.

Jana said...

I need to hang out with Ace more, that guy is funny!!! I've adopted the "in my humble, but accurate, opinion." Give him my love!

Erica Miles said...

Let's not forget that one Pinwood Derby race where that sweet extremely short dad's son was winning race after race. Your husband leaned over to you and whispered, "he's so proud, he must feel 5 feet tall." I've never forgotten that one. He's a gem.

Erika said...

Go for it,I will watch!